When you are considering spending the rest of your life with someone, all of the pre-engagement literature says the same thing. Make a list of relationship deal breakers. Ask your partner this list of questions. The subject of whether or not to have kids will be on both of these lists and it will be a big one.
Growing up I always assumed my life would go like this: go to college, get science degree, become a medical professional, find a nice man, get married, move to a big house in the suburbs, have kids, raise kids, maybe be a stay at home mom. I never thought much of it. That’s how life was supposed to go. So when Tristan and I started discussing marriage the kids conversation naturally happened. I assumed I wanted two kids. He told me he would possibly want kids someday.
Then after a while the truth came out.
He wasn’t sure if he wanted kids. He always pictured his future with his wife and a couple of dogs, having outdoor adventures and traveling the world. Maybe someday he would want to have kids but he couldn’t picture himself with them. And not once did I ever consider moving on because of this. Tristan is 100% my soulmate. I have never in my life met someone I could be so completely honest and happy with. Someone who was like a mirror into my own soul and gives me more insight into my personality than I had ever had. Would I really throw all of that away over some hypothetical future person that I wasn’t even sure I wanted?
Within 24 hours of this revelation, I found myself relieved. I had always felt trapped by this idea that I had to have a certain lifestyle and that lifestyle was a prestigious career and a house in the suburbs with two kids and a dog. I had never considered the idea that I have a choice. I can write my own story, and it doesn’t have to be dictated by society. I am not a vehicle through which society projects its expectations. I am not a puppet on a string doing what someone else wants me to.
Honestly, Tristan’s visualization of his life sounded pretty awesome to me. So now I think I might not want children, or at least none of my own. But that is a story for another day.